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Hiding from Your Finances? How to Face Your Fears and Turn Things Around

Is there anything in your life that fills you with dread, or a sinking feeling of anxiety in the pit of your stomach? First dates? Going to the doctor? Surprise visits from your in-laws? How about something that comes around every month, like maybe your bills and financial statements? Just just looking at those words in black and white might be reminding you of the unopened stack (or emails) that you’ve been avoiding, and might be giving you that familiar sick feeling. So why do you do it? Why do you avoid dealing with your finances like the plague, when it’s clear that getting on top of them is a better plan of action? And what can you do to get over your anxiety and take charge of your financial life?

The Ostrich Effect

Psychologists actually have a name for that tendency to avoid information that you perceive as potentially unpleasant: the ostrich effect. The name comes from the common myth that ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they feel like they’re in danger. And while those birds don’t actually do that, we humans do have a tendency to ignore negative information at times of risk or danger, trusting that everything will go well without us taking any action.

This whole “head in the sand” thing might be exactly what you’re feeling like when it comes to your bills and financial statements – and you’re not alone. Many studies on the ostrich effect focus on how people handle financial information, including a famous one that found that investors tend to check on their portfolios more frequently when markets are performing well, but will “bury their heads in the sand” when markets are performing poorly. This is the case despite the fact that checking their portfolio could help these investors make more informed decisions.

Right – the fear we have of facing our finances is not rational, even though it’s very real. So real, in fact, that the American Psychological Association’s (APA) March 2022 Stress in America survey found that money stress registered at the highest level recorded since 2015. And while most people know that checking their bank account and dealing with their bills is necessary, doing so can cause stress and anxiety, because those figures are more than just numbers on a screen. They can represent how you feel about yourself, or bring up feelings of past childhood traumas or insecurities.

Sounds deep, right? Yup: psychologists have a lot to say on this subject, musing that financial avoidance is more than just “forgetting” to check your statements, or putting it off until a more convenient time. Here’s what a few have to say on the matter:

“Because money touches so many aspects of our lives, we project a tremendous amount of personal meaning onto it,” says Amanda Clayman, LCSW, a financial therapist who has formed a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)–based program focused on financial wellness. “It can represent your fear of failure, one-upsmanship with a sibling, regret over a bad spending habit, or frustration with where you are in life.”
According to Perpetua Neo, a psychologist who specializes in anxiety and frequently treats patients with financial anxiety, there’s typically a “story” attached to the stress surrounding our finances. It might be that you observed your parents getting distraught over bills or finances when you were a child, essentially normalizing that stress and making it something to avoid. Or maybe you experienced upheaval, like moving to a new place or switching schools, due to a parent’s job loss, meaning you associate finances with stress.

But she also points out that any trauma in our histories could trigger this kind of anxiety and tendency toward pessimism, as well as a desire to avoid those feelings: “When something bad has happened to us, our world of assumptions shatters and we start believing in the worst,” Neo says. “Our brains are wired to remember and be affected by loss.”

Other experts point out that sometimes financial anxiety stems from big life changes, like switching jobs, moving to a new city, or having a child. You might know you need to adjust how you manage your money, but the thought of actually doing it can be overwhelming.
You could also be overwhelming yourself, according to some therapists. You could be creating a vicious cycle of financial anxiety: you get behind, so you force yourself to do a super intense session of financial data review, bill paying, etc. You end up down a rabbit hole, and after hours and hours of looking at transactions and confusing data, you quit, exhausted, telling yourself that you were right to avoid the whole sordid affair all along.

Those are some of the possible why’s, but we also need to know what signs to look out for, and how you can make things better for your mental health and your bank account.

Signs You’re Hiding from Your Finances

So how do you know if you’re avoiding reality, and putting your head in the sand when it comes to your finances? Watch out for these signs:

You try to put money and finances out of your mind
You avoid talking about money with family and friends
You hide things about your finances from your partner
You avoid opening bank statements or credit card bills
You don’t know what your credit score is
You don’t know your net worth
You feel ashamed that you’ve let your bank statements, credit card bills, etc pile up
You feel caught in a cycle of self-blame

If any or all of the above sounds familiar, it’s time to get unstuck and move past the shame and self-blame, so you can take some concrete steps toward financial health. After all, if you continue to avoid dealing with your finances, you’ll most likely end up making more financial problems for yourself, and more anxiety, in the long run. The financial consequences of sticking your head in the sand could include:

Making bad decisions – If you don’t know where you stand financially, you could be tempted to spend more than you should on unnecessary expenses, which could also lead to difficulty making payments for the things you do need. All of these less-than-ideal decisions could land you in debt.

Allowing things to snowball – Continuing to spend while ignoring important information about your finances could cause any small financial problems to snowball into big debts.

Failing to meet financial objectives – You can’t save, or even pay off debts, if you don’t even know the basics of your financial situation!

Not only that, but the APA also points out that, if you do end up in debt because of your problems dealing with your finances, you could be setting yourself up for more than just a hit to your wallet. “Debt is associated with lower self-esteem, lower productivity, and greater stress,” according to the APA. “Unsurprisingly, research has also linked financial strain to depression.”

But don’t despair! You’ve done enough catastrophizing…now it’s time to get on top of things!

How to Take Back Control

You can do this! You might feel like things are spiraling out of control, and you’ll never be able to take your hands away from your eyes and look at the real state of affairs, but there are steps you can take to get on top of things. And step one? Recognizing what that you’re hiding from your finances – you’ve come this far, so you’re on your way!

The strategies you can employ to reduce the ostrich effect when it comes to your finances include:

Start slowly

According to Clayman, “Any change—even good change—creates a certain amount of associated stress.” So if you’re finally looking at your finances for the first time in a while, the first thing you should do is simply gather information, not jump in and start trying to make changes immediately. You could end up overwhelmed again! So, for example, if you’re concerned about your budget, spend a month observing your spending patterns. Look at when you spend money, and what you’re buying. Figure out what your spending patterns are, and why you might be spending in that way. Once you’ve done this, you can hopefully start to find healthier ways to meet your emotional needs, other than overspending.

Once you’ve gotten past that first look (and realize you can do it), experts recommend that you figure out how much time per week you’re willing and able to spend dealing with your finances, and then be consistent about it. If 30 minutes per week sounds doable, start there, and ensure it becomes part of your routine. If that sounds overwhelming, start smaller: dedicate 15 minutes a week to banking, or perform one manageable-feeling task each day, like paying or even simply reading one bill. The more you accustom yourself to doing these little things – and sticking with them consistently – the more you’ll realize that it’s not so scary after all. Remember, you’ve got this!

Distance yourself

If you’re really having trouble taking that first peak, you can try what psychologists call “debiasing techniques.” This can include creating psychological distance from the problematic information, so you’re less likely to avoid it. For example, this could involve pretending that you’re looking up information so you can help a friend, rather than addressing your own issue.

Use technology

bell notification in a blue circle — *Set up scheduled emails or notifications that provide you with all your necessary information once a month.*

Try setting up scheduled emails or notifications that provide you with all your necessary information once a month, in a format that you’re likely to check. And don’t stop at getting your info automated: arrange to have a portion of your paycheck automatically deposited into your savings account and your retirement account, and set up automatic reminders to alert you when a bill is due. It’s a lot harder to make a bad decision when the decision is out of your hands! You can also use budgeting apps or other software to help you keep track of your finances in a simple, unintimidating way.

Have an accountability partner

Just as you can use technology as an “external mechanism” as psychologists say, you can also use someone who cares about you as an external mechanism. They can help to hold you accountable and make sure you’re dealing with the information that you need to deal with.

Make a plan B (and C)!

All the experts tell you to make a plan and a budget, and then stick to it. But Clayman recommends having not just a plan A, but also a plan B and C, so you don’t get too freaked out when making changes in your financial life. According to her, “When we feel trapped, and forced into a change, our brain goes into fight or flight mode, and it becomes much harder to manage our rebellious impulses.” If you give yourself multiple options, you’ll be more likely to feel in control, and less likely to stick your head in the sand.

Reward Yourself

You can also make dealing with your finances less stressful and scary by making doing so a more pleasant affair. Some experts suggest things like “money dates,” in which couples get together, work on their finances, and then spend some time together over dinner or with a bottle of wine. Or perhaps you can schedule getting your finances in order right before something more enjoyable, like a TV show you want to binge, or a night out with friends. “Rewards are an excellent way to reinforce progress and help [yourself] stay consistent,” Clayman says. “They don’t have to be extravagant or exotic. The most important aspect of the reward is that you truly enjoy it, and associate it with your effort.”

Hey, we get it: adulting is hard, and one of the hardest parts is dealing with your finances. But sticking your head in the sand and ignoring your statements and bills is not the way to stay on top of things! But neither is beating yourself up with blame and shame, so do yourself a favor: think about why you might be doing what you’re doing, and then slowly start to find a practice and a routine that allows you to take control of your financial life, and get yourself on the road to feeling some relief from your anxiety.

Neglecting Your Reading List? Here’s How to Find More Time to Read

They’re calling you. Or maybe they’re taunting you? All of those books piled up on your bedside table, or backed up on your tablet. Friends recommended them, or you read about them on social media or in reviews, and you knew you just had to check them out. Since you’ve had so much extra time on your hands these days, you figured it’d be a piece of cake to plow through them, and also relax, pass the endless hours, and enrich your brain all at the same time.

But somehow it just hasn’t happened. Don’t feel guilty! We’ve all had a tough year, and it’s been harder than many of us thought to actually carve out time for ourselves. In fact, according to surveys, about a third of people without children, and more than half with children, say that they just don’t have enough time for themselves these days, despite the fact that our options for leaving the house are limited. So what should you do if you want to read more? Try these simple strategies and you’ll be turning the last page of a great book (and grabbing for the next one) before you know it!

1. Check Yourself in for Some B&B Time

No, you don’t need to run away from home and lock yourself in a remote cottage somewhere to fit in more reading. Try spending a few minutes each morning indulging in some “B&B,” or “book and breakfast” time. Even ten minutes a day over your morning cereal or toast can really add up, and get you focused for the day ahead (if you can pull yourself away from the spell being cast on you by your good read). And books don’t mind if you get a few crumbs or drops of milk on them – books are meant to look well-read.

Even if you’re not a breakfast-er, or if that time of day feels too hectic to you, remember: reading in short bursts is a great way to get at least a few pages or chapters in each day. Read when you’re waiting, commuting, or in the bathroom – we won’t judge!

2. Kiss Netflix Goodnight a Little Earlier

Haven’t made it to the end of every single streaming platform yet? Well, these days you might be working hard towards that goal, but remember, Netflix and Hulu will still be there waiting for you tomorrow. Try shutting off the old boob tube an hour earlier each night, and replacing an episode of your latest obsession with a few chapters from your book.

a person;s hand holding a flower with a book open underneath it — *Consider having a book night with your date where you cuddle up and read books next to each other.*

3. Try a “Book Night”

Date nights are great. Movie nights are great. Pizza nights? Yes, please. But how about a book night? How much more relaxing can you get than lounging on the couch in a quiet room, perhaps with some soft music playing, and just a few good books (and maybe your honey curled up next to you if you feel so inclined)? Not convinced? Consider this: within six minutes of reading a book, your blood pressure drops, and one 2009 study by Sussex University researchers showed that reading may even reduce stress by as much as 68%.

4. Set Goals

Tracking your reading feels way too strict for some people, but if you like feeling like you’re being kept on track, there are apps to help you do that. You can set yearly goals and organize reading lists…or you can be much more analog and relaxed about it. Try setting simple goals for yourself. For example, you can challenge yourself to read 50 pages before putting your book aside, or to finish the chapter before you move on to the next task. Set the bar a little higher each time, and it’ll naturally add up to more books read per year.

5. Be Tech Savvy

Do technology and reading go together? Well, it depends. On one hand, if you’re cracking open a book, give yourself up to that experience and put your phone and other devices away – all the way away. Even just seeing a phone, face down, notifications turned off can be a major distraction as you glance at it and think about what’s going on in there. Think about reading like being in a theater – give it your full attention.

On the other hand, technology can be your friend in other ways when it comes to fitting in more reading. For example, it’s easy to bring books everywhere you go when you have an e-reader, or when you download audiobooks onto your phone and listen to them while you clean, grocery shop, walk the dog, exercise, or drive. And no, listening to audiobooks is not “cheating”! They count!

6. Get Interactive

In a similar vein, you can use tech to your advantage during these crazy times in another way: you can start a virtual book club. Some people really like having a “deadline” to meet when it comes to reading, and are more likely to hit their reading goals if they know they are going to be discussing the next chapter at the end of the week. If you’re not seeing your friends in person right now, video chatting is a great option for getting together from the comfort of your own home and hashing out the latest plot twists – if you go virtual, you can even invite friends from all over the world!

Like things a little more informal? Start a text thread with friends about your latest reads. Want it to be more analog? Try “parallel reading” with your kids, for example. Take a little time at bedtime to lie next to them and read yourself a book while they read their own.

7. Cut Back on the Random Stuff

a caucasian hand holding a cell phone with social media on the screen — *Give yourself a reward such as social media time or something different after getting some reading done.*

One final point about tech and reading: you might not realize just how much time is taken up by scrolling through social media and reading random articles that your friends (or frenemies) post. While any kind of reading is generally a good thing (depending on the source, of course), there’s only so much time in the day. If you’re looking to add in more dedicated reading time, you might just have to cut back on fluff.

8. Reward Yourself

We know you want to read, but you might have to find some clever ways to start a new habit. Consider “rewarding” yourself in little ways. For example, read for 20 minutes, then give yourself time to watch a funny video, do some yoga poses you enjoy, or indulge in a few minutes of social media. Or, you can reward yourself with buying a new book to start when you finish the one you’re in the middle of. Even giving yourself a mental pat on the back (“I read two chapters of that book today, that’s no small thing!”) can be a big boost to your brain, and could help you get hooked on your daily dose of reading.

9. Read for Fun!

You know what? Your reading is for you and you alone. You don’t have to track it or set goals, and you certainly don’t have to buy into any “rules” about what you “should” be reading. You don’t have to be reading “serious” literature if that’s not your thing, or you don’t have to plow through super long books every time you settle down to read. You don’t even have to finish every book you start. If you’re dreading picking up a book, that’s a sign to move on. Read a novelette, some short stories, or a poem – even ten lines can move you to tears sometimes. Reading isn’t a race or a competition. If you’re learning something, being moved, or just getting some well-deserved me-time out of it, you’re doing it right. Enjoy!

Give me a Break: The Pomodoro Technique

Have you ever hit a roadblock when working on a project, and felt like you just couldn’t work on it for one second longer? For some of us, that’s due to procrastination: feeling like we need to race against the clock to finish assignments and meet deadlines. Others are overachievers: filling our schedules down to the last minute and viewing downtime as an enemy. Either of these mindsets can cause stress and anxiety, physical and emotional fatigue, and a feeling of being burnt out. The Pomodoro Technique is a series of 6 simple steps that teach you to work with time instead of against it.

yellow clock with the words "25 Min" in the middle. — *The trick is to break your to-do list down into manageable, 25-minute blocks of time, or “pomodoros.”*

What Is A “Pomodoro”?

According to the Pomodoro technique, the trick is to break your to-do list down into manageable, 25-minute blocks of time, or “pomodoros.” Creator Franceso Cirollos named these for the tomato-shaped timer he used throughout college. During each block you focus exclusively on one task until it’s complete, and reward yourself with short, relaxing breaks. All you need to get started with this time-management tool is a piece of paper, a pen, and a timer.

Step 1: Pick your task.

Decide what to prioritize first. It should be something worthy of your full, uninterrupted attention. The task can be big or small. It can be something that just came onto your radar today, or something that’s been on your to-do list for weeks.

Step 2: Set a timer for 25 minutes.

It’s time to commit. Francesco Cirillo, originator of the technique, says, “make a small oath to yourself: I will spend 25 minutes on this task and I will not interrupt myself. You can do it! After all, it’s just 25 minutes.”

woman sitting at a desk with her hands over a laptop and notebook next to the laptop. — *For 25 minutes, work exclusively on the chosen task.*

Step 3: Work until the timer rings.

For the next 25 minutes, work exclusively on the chosen task. If another task or idea comes into your peripherals, write it down on a piece of paper as something to revisit when the 25 minutes is up.

Step 4: Mark it down.

When the timer goes off, make a checkmark on the piece of paper. Congratulate yourself for spending an uninterrupted “pomodoro” on your task!

Step 5: Take a short break.

You can take a breath, meditate, go for a short walk, or anything else you find relaxing. Give yourself 5-10 minutes of free time to reset, then dive back into the same project. Set the timer, and get back to work!

Step 6: Reward yourself.

As you work, mark off every 25 minute block. After every 4 blocks of time, take a longer break of 20-30 minutes. Get up, stretch, move your body around. Your brain needs a minute to catch up to the work you’ve done and rest before the next round.

With this strategy to help focus your brain, narrow your attention span, and use time efficiently, you’ll be moving through your to-do list in no time!

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