The Ultimate Guide to Arguing: How to Fight the Right Way

Are you a lover or a fighter? Or are you both? If you answered “both,” we’ve got good news for you: arguing with your partner is actually good for your relationship. In fact, a survey of almost 1,000 adults found that couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who brush off, try to ignore, or avoid discussing sensitive issues. Ah, but the key word here is “effectively”! Couples need to know how to have disagreements in a healthy, productive way: according to Daryl Appleton, Ed.D., LMC, a psychotherapist and executive coach, “It’s important how we fight…because it could lead to a bigger problem if it’s toxic fighting – whereas in a healthy relationship, a problem is seen, it’s overcome, and people learn new ways to communicate.”

What you need are some techniques for getting it all out in a way that moves your relationship forward (and doesn’t end in a pile of broken dishes or days of sulking), so you can build your relationship up stronger through respectful communication.

Let It Out!

As we pointed out above, arguing with your partner is actually better than not duking it out emotionally, and airing all of those grievances. Avoiding bringing up tough subjects, and thereby stopping an argument in that one moment, doesn’t mean those issues go away, and it isn’t good for your relationship in the long run. According to Joseph Grenny, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations, “the biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance. We feel something but say nothing. At least until we can’t stand it anymore. So we wait until we are certain to discuss it poorly before we bring it up.” silhouette of a man and woman pointing fingers at each other. And when you address your relationship issues “poorly,” you risk a whole lot more than just wounded pride, an uncomfortable conversation, or a Saturday night blow-up that ruins date night. For example, in the same survey cited above, more than four in five respondents said poor communication played a role in a previous failed relationship, and around half said that poor communication was a significant cause of the failure. 

But couples who do let it all out tend to stay together longer, and ultimately end up in more peaceful, healthy relationships, because all of that communication usually makes them more in tune with each other, rather than driving them further apart. So why is arguing helpful and productive in a relationship?

  • As mentioned above, arguing is one the most honest forms of communication, and it helps to accelerate feelings of intimacy, trust, and connection, as well as to teach your partner how to communicate with you in a more productive way.
  • Fighting can relieve and help to avoid resentment. If your partner always gets things the way they want them because you’re not voicing your needs, you’ll end up resenting them, and in a very unhealthy relationship.
  • Couples who argue (instead of avoiding issues) tend to stay together longer.
  • Letting out your emotions can keep the passion alive in your relationship.
  • Fighting can save you from boredom – how stale would your relationship feel if you always just agreed on everything?

What Sets People Off

And you know something else about fighting? Pretty much everyone’s doing it – a lot. According to Dr. Carla Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, “One interesting study found that couples argue, on average, seven times per day.” And what are we all arguing about so much? According to a study led by Lauren Papp, the associate dean of research at the University of Madison-Wisconsin’s School of Human Ecology, which had 100 husbands and 100 wives privately keep track of their fights in diaries over the course of 15 days, some overarching patterns emerged. The top 12 things it seems couples (especially those with children) fight about are:

different cleaning supplies
Household chores take a role in arguments between married couples.
  1. How to raise their children
  2. Household chores
  3. Communication and listening styles
  4. How to spend their free time
  5. Work-related issues
  6. Money
  7. Habits
  8. Extended family
  9. Commitment, trust, and fidelity
  10. Intimacy, or having enough sex and showing enough affection
  11. Friends
  12. Personality traits

Some of these things are obviously more easily resolved than others (your spouse is probably not going to change their personality – or their mother – overnight!), but the good news is that, because these are patterns that come up again and again in relationship after relationship, you can almost predict these arguments and try to course-correct with certain strategies, so you don’t end up in an explosive, toxic fight.

The Right Way to Argue

So how can you make fighting a positive thing in your relationship? First of all, get it out of your mind that you have to fight less, and focus on fighting better. When you focus on actually listening when those perpetual problems come up, you bring respect into the equation and start to really get to the heart of those issues. Then, once you’ve stopped worrying about how much you’re fighting, and really started to listen during these tiffs, you can identify the common threads and underlying themes of your arguments – you might find you’re having the same basic 3 or 5 fights over and over again! 

Those are the first steps towards resolving the main issues in your relationship. While you’re moving in that direction, and arguments continue to crop up, use these strategies to turn your arguments into productive discussions:

  • Don’t just dive into an argument; let your partner know you respect and care about them first, and try to start with something you can both agree on.
  • Stay on topic, and argue about one thing – the issue at hand – at a time. As experts say, “localize” the argument, don’t “globalize” it – in other words, keep your arguments specific to the situation, and don’t make sweeping “you always” or “you never” statements about your partner, or bring up past offenses. 
  • Know the facts and start there.
  • Use “I” statements to express how you feel, not accusatory or provoking language about what “you” did to cause the problem.
  • Be mindful of your body language: maintain eye contact and try to keep yourself open, instead of crossing your arms and closing yourself off. the pause symbol with a circle around it
  • Take proactive pauses if you start to get too heated so you can notice how you’re feeling and avoid saying things you’ll regret.
  • Try to look “underneath” the argument and find out what is really behind that fight about who gets to choose plans for the weekend or who does the dishes more. Could it be that one partner is feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, or like they matter less? 
  • Don’t argue if you’re not in the right mental condition, headspace, or even physical space! Make sure you are doing it in the right place at the right time, and you’re not hungry, tired, or completely stressed.
  • Find common ground, and soften your judgments by asking yourself why the reasonable, rational, and decent person who you love would do what your partner is doing
  • Never resort to the silent treatment. If that’s your M.O., make more of an effort to directly communicate your feelings; if you’re the one getting the cold shoulder, let your partner know how that affects you and ask them instead to collaborate with you on finding a solution. And if you do need to walk away and take a break, that’s fine, but make sure your partner knows that you’re not just bailing from the fight.
  • If you’re in the wrong, admit it!
  • Don’t appeal to third parties, keep it between the two of you.

The main takeaway here? Fighting in a relationship is not just 100% totally normal, it could actually be vital to keeping your relationship healthy and growing – but only as long as you take the time to learn how to do it right. And sure, that takes some serious thought and emotional work, but isn’t your relationship and your partner worth it? Now, gently put down that vase, take a breather to collect yourself, and start really listening to what your partner is saying – you might find out some things that can connect you on a whole new level.

The Truth About Seniors and Technology

How many times have you heard your children, grandchildren, or any other younger person talk dismissively, or even mockingly, about the way that older adults use technology? They might find it amusing, and they might think that the blanket generalizations they’re making are true for all seniors, but the truth is more complicated. 

First of all, tons of seniors actually do engage with technology on a regular basis: more than 70% are on the internet, up from just 14% in the year 2000, and older adults are the fastest growing demographic in the online world! Second of all, any difficulties older adults have with adopting new technologies are probably the result of various factors that are both external and internal, meaning how tech companies operate, your brain and physiology, and your wants and needs all play a role in your relationship with technology. So let’s take a look at why you might feel like you’re avoiding certain tech, how you can make using tech easier for you, and why it might actually be good for you to go all techie! 

Seniors Vs. Technology?

older looking hands holding a cell phone
Seniors use cell phones and other forms of technology more than people think!

Like we said, seniors are out there in massive numbers in cyberspace; not only that, but adults between 50 and 64 are just as likely to use smartphones as anyone in the U.S. (83% have a smartphone and 91% use computers), and 94% of people over 50 say they use technology to stay connected to friends and loved ones. And you know what else? People over 50 had spent around $84 billion on tech products by the end of the last decade- for themselves, not their grandkids! So is it really accurate to say that seniors and technology just don’t mix? Well, yes and no – but mostly no. We say partly yes because there actually are some barriers to seniors feeling comfortable with technology, whether they’re internalized or come from an external source. For example, if you’re an older adult, maybe you have the following concerns:

  • You worry about feeling “tethered” to your phone or other device
  • You have privacy concerns, or worry about being targeted by scams, like a 2019 Social Security scam that cost seniors $38 million
  • While you’d be willing to learn new technology skills when that tech has value for you, or when it seems designed with you in mind, it often doesn’t feel that way with the products out there. In other words, according to Bran Knowles, a researcher who focuses on the intersection between data systems and social responsibility, the barrier might just be “a misalignment of values and products.”

Which brings us to the other big issue with seniors and tech: if older adults do have concerns about, or limitations with, using technology, big tech companies often aren’t addressing them, or taking seniors’ wants or needs into account when designing products and software. You probably want to use tech in a way that seems valuable to you; not only that, but you might actually have physical limitations that tech companies aren’t addressing, and tech companies don’t seem to recognize that they need to make products and software intuitive for everyone. Think about it this way: if you’d grown up speaking French as a second language, you’d be pretty proficient at it, but try to become bilingual at 70? It’s just not going to come as naturally to you.

There are also things that are just inevitable parts of aging that can make tech seem frustrating; for example:

  • Vision that is not as sharp as it once was makes texting challenging
  • Minor hearing loss can make the audio on many devices seem insufficient
  • Reduced manual dexterity can make small buttons difficult to push
  • Losses in touch sensitivity can mean that touch screens react too fast

Tech companies just don’t seem to see seniors as stakeholders in their world, making them seem almost as dismissive as the grandchildren who think you’ll never learn how to use a smartphone “properly.” But again, it’s a whole chicken and egg issue: is it really that seniors can’t learn to use tech or is it that tech isn’t working for them?

What You Can Do

While we can’t make big tech companies change overnight and erase the concerns about privacy that come with being online, or change the addictive nature of all that stuff floating out there on our devices, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express our concerns to them, and make it clear that seniors need to have a seat at the table. Remember, you’re the fastest growing demographic online, so your voice should certainly matter!

With that being said, there are some things you can do in the short term to make tech less frustrating to use. For example:a hand holding a white stylus onto a tablet screen

  • Use a stylus with your phone or tablet – A simple stylus that costs only a few dollars (or some phones even come with them) can vastly improve accuracy in typing on a touch screen.
  • Try swyping instead of typing – If you’re not feeling the whole flying thumbs texting action that a lot of younger people use, try “swyping,” or sliding your finger or stylus from one letter to the next, and letting your phone do the typing for you. 
  • Use voice dictation instead of typing – You don’t actually have to text at all; you can tell your phone exactly what you want to say – and most phones are shockingly accurate these days!
  • Get an external speaker or headphones – These days, we’re spoiled for choice with inexpensive wireless speakers and headphones, so you don’t have to spend a lot to help amplify your devices.

And, while you’re trying out the techniques above, remember to use them to contact the big tech companies and voice your opinion on their products! And remember, too, to vote with your dollars and only patronize companies that you believe are interested in seeing seniors as valuable customers.

Can Big Tech Have Big Benefits?

We’ve talked a lot about why seniors often don’t seem to engage as enthusiastically or effectively with technology, but what about reasons why you should engage with it? Well, it turns out that learning new technological skills can be extremely beneficial to your brain health, and even help keep dementia at bay. Certain studies have shown that there is a link between memory and learning, including one that found that, after a period of three months, people who learned a new technological skill, like digital photography, had the most beneficial results with cognition, especially memory function, compared to study participants who just socialized, did crossword puzzles, or listened to music. And when some of the participants were studied again one and three years later? Researchers found long-lasting positive results.

So how can you tap into these benefits? Well, it takes more than just learning a new skill every once in a while; you’ve got to exercise your brain everyday – but luckily, you’ve got a handy dandy device right in your pocket that will allow you to do that! Try some of the following techie activities that can both boost your brain power and make you more comfortable noodling around with your devices:hands holding a cell phone taking a picture of the night skyline

  • Experiment with digital photography, using different filters and editing software, as well as creating and sharing albums
  • Learn a new language on your phone with an app
  • Try programming your smart home device to do new things, like control your lights or a camera attached to your doorbell
  • Learn a new skill, get DIY help, or dive into a new hobby with YouTube videos
  • Set up your own website with a simple to use, free app that is geared towards non-techies, like Wix or Weebly

The possibilities are endless when it comes to what you can do with technology, so don’t stop there! And don’t let any physical limitations stop you, either, when there are workarounds for almost any problem. You don’t have to become a tech whiz overnight, and you don’t have to love everything about technology, but if you find something of value for you in using a certain device or software, like staying connected with loved ones or exercising your brain for a healthier future, then dive right in and give it a try – you can do it!

Recognizing Financial Abuse

Domestic (or partner) abuse, whether it’s emotional or physical, shatters lives. But if there’s anything positive we can say on this topic, it’s that, as a society, we’ve finally begun recognizing it, and taking steps at least towards helping those who are experiencing it and those who have survived it. But if we are just talking about emotional or physical abuse, we’re actually failing to recognize a serious form of abuse that either comes before or goes hand-in-hand with other types of abuse, and is often the reason that someone cannot leave their abusive situation: financial abuse. Knowing the signs of this type of abuse is vital to protecting yourself or someone you love from spiraling into a situation that you, or they, might not be able to get out of.

Financial Abuse by the Numbers

If you’re unfamiliar with the term “financial abuse,” or have never really thought about it, you’re not alone: although financial abuse occurs in at least 98% of abusive situations, 78% of Americans don’t recognize it as a form of abuse. Not only that, but a study by the Allstate Foundation found that only 3% of Americans thought financial abuse would likely cause long-term effects, compared to emotional (43%) and physical abuse (22%). financial abuse infographic

But the above couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only is financial abuse the number one reason people return to toxic relationships, which already makes this type of abuse a serious crisis for those experiencing it, but it also has long-lasting effects on their lives, and even society at large. For example, someone who has had their credit cards maxed out by a partner who refuses to pay the bills will have their credit ruined, and will then have issues finding housing, purchasing a vehicle, or obtaining student loans. And without access to economic resources, survivors will then find their safety and long-term security at risk.

And the above happens in a majority of abusive situations: 59% of people who experience financial abuse have their credit ruined by their partner, and 70% are not able to have a job, with 59% of them having lost their job because of their abuser. Survivors lose nearly $53,000 in lost wages over their lifetime; not only that, but their communities and society at large suffer losses, as well, since victims of financial abuse lose a total of 8 million paid work days a year, with the estimated overall workplace productivity costs totaling $1.3 trillion.

These are some pretty grim statistics, and should be eye-opening. Financial abuse is a real problem and is happening all around us – so how can you recognize it in either your or someone else’s relationship?

Recognizing the Signs of Financial Abuse

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, financial (or economic) abuse “is when one intimate partner has control over the other partner’s ability to access, acquire, use or maintain economic resources, which diminishes the victim’s capacity to support themselves and forces intentioned dependence.” In other words, one partner controls the other’s finances, isolating them and trapping them in the relationship, and they are left unable to see a way out of their situation. That’s why it’s so critical for people to be able to recognize financial abuse before it escalates into a totally ruined credit history and an inability to work to earn a living. 

And, while it can be difficult to identify, because there isn’t one way to handle money in all relationships, there are some common tactics that abusers use:

Preventing you from using your resources illustration of a man in a suit tugging at money with a woman in a dress on the other side

  • Withholding money or giving an “allowance”
  • Not giving you access to bank accounts
  • Hiding or lying about joint assets
  • Keeping you in the dark about or not allowing you control over household finances or how your money is spent
  • Refusing to pay child support
  • Denying access to a car, a phone, the internet, or other utilities
  • Making large financial decisions without you
  • Withholding financial information such as account passwords, account numbers, and investment information
  • Making threats to cut you off financially when you disagree

Preventing you from getting or keeping a job

  • Forbidding you from working outside of the home, or telling you where you can or cannot work
  • Stalking or harassing you at your workplace
  • Forcing you to be late, or to miss or leave work (for example, they might promise to watch the children, but not show up)
  • Cutting off your transportation to work
  • Forbidding your from attending trainings or opportunities for job advancement, or interfering with further education
  • Criticizing and minimizing your job or career choices
  • Pressuring you to quit your job (sometimes by using guilt, and using your children as an excuse)

Exploiting your resources

  • Forcing you to sign financial documents without explanations
  • Insisting you share your income, but not sharing theirs
  • Forcing you to write bad checks or file fraudulent legal financial documents
  • Pressuring you to be a co-signer or guarantor
  • Coercing you to go into debt, or forcing you to overspend on credit cards
  • Using your personal information or assets against your will or without your knowledge
  • Converting your assets into their own
  • Keeping all assets their name, while forcing you to keep all debt in your name only
  • Requiring you to bail them out of difficult financial situations
  • Ruining your credit history by running up bills and then not paying them
  • Intercepting or opening your bank statements and other financial records

It’s important to remember: someone who uses any of these tactics, whether it’s one or all or them, is financially abusive. So if you are experiencing any of the above, what can you do? 

What You Can Do

green phone in a green conversation bubble
If you experience financial abuse, reach out to someone you can trust, like a counselor or domestic advice counselor.

If you’ve ever heard someone wonder why someone experiencing domestic or partner violence doesn’t just leave, all of the above is a big part of the answer. In fact, as we pointed out above, financial abuse is the number one reason cited for staying in an abusive relationship – that’s why it’s so vital to address financial abuse right away before it escalates.

It’s unfortunately true that leaving an abusive situation is more than just difficult emotionally – it can also be life-threatening, and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post-breakup. If you or someone you know needs to get out of a situation like this, it is important to have a plan. First, reach out to someone you can trust, like a counselor or domestic advice counselor; if you don’t know who to turn to, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

Next, make copies of your financial data like credit cards and financial statements if it’s unsafe to take the originals, so you can prove later who owns (and owes) what. Keep these documents in a safe place where your partner can’t access them until you’re able to safely leave the relationship.

Financial abuse is just as damaging to someone experiencing it as any other kind of abuse; in fact, this type of abuse is usually inextricably linked to other types of abuse. Having your financial independence taken away can destroy your whole life, and trap you in a situation that gets more and more dangerous to your emotional and even physical health – that means it’s vital to get help as soon as you recognize the above signs in your life, or in the life of a loved one.

Supporting Mental Health: We’ve Come a Long Way, But We’ve Still Got a Long Way to Go

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, a time, according to the World Health Organization, “to raise awareness of mental health issues around the world and to mobilize efforts in support of mental health.” And if it seems to you like we’ve all been thinking and talking nonstop about mental health since the start of the pandemic shifted all of our paradigms, you’re right – in a way. 2020 brought mental health issues into sharp relief as many of us struggled with loneliness, anxiety, and even depression, but we still aren’t really where we should be when it comes to supporting people in their struggles. To be honest, while things have gotten a whole lot better in the field of mental health over the past decade or so, we still have a long way to go when it comes to truly making our mental health as much a priority (and as little a taboo) as our physical health.

The Grim Statistics

When it comes to the state of mental health, and mental health care, in the United States, there’s good news and bad news, and we’re going to hit you with the bad news first. The state of mental health in America in 2021 is, well, not great: because some of the data we have for this year relies on what happened last year (the notorious 2020), we’re looking at a pretty grim picture, although mental health in the U.S. seems to have been deteriorating well before the pandemic hit. 

For example, just take a look at these stats:

graph with a red line going upward

  • In 2017-2018, 19% of adults experienced a mental illness, an increase of 1.5 million people from the year before.
  • The percentage of adults in the U.S. who are experiencing serious thoughts of suicide increased 0.15% from 2016-2017 to 2017-2018  – an additional 460,000 people from the year before.
  • There is still an unmet need for mental health treatment among youth and adults: 60% of youth with major depression did not receive any mental health treatment in 2017-2018, and 23.6% of adults with a mental illness reported an unmet need for treatment in 2017-2018.

But, of course, the pandemic has made things even rougher:

  • 9.7% of youth in the U.S. have severe major depression, compared to 9.2% last year.
  • The number of people looking for help with anxiety and depression skyrocketed in 2020: 315,220 people took a screening for anxiety, a 93% increase over the 2019 total number of anxiety screens. 534,784 people took the depression screen, a 62% increase over the 2019 total number of depression screens.
  • From April to September 2020, among people who screened with moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety or depression, 70% reported that one of the top three things contributing to their mental health concerns was loneliness or isolation.black and white picture of a young african american woman looking sad
  • African American screeners have had the highest average percent change over time for anxiety and depression, while Native American screeners have had the highest average percent change over time for suicidal thoughts.
  • In September 2020, over half of 11-17-year-olds reported having thoughts of suicide or self-harm more than half or nearly every day of the previous two weeks. From January to September 2020, 77,470 youth reported experiencing frequent suicidal ideation, including 27,980 LGBTQ+ youth.
  • Over 8 in 10 people who took an anxiety screening scored with moderate to severe symptoms in September 2020. Over 8 in 10 people who took a depression screen have scored with symptoms of moderate to severe depression consistently since the beginning of the pandemic in March 2020.
  • 37% of people reported having thoughts of suicide more than half or nearly every day in September 2020.

All of this can seem overwhelming to think about, but the positive thing is that we are thinking about it, and there are things that are improving when it comes to mental health in the U.S.

How We’re Improving

Now, it’s time to look at the better news – and one of the biggest pieces of good news is that this data is so readily available, and that it’s being studied, discussed, and worried about. And that brings us to our first improvement:

The term “mental health” is not so stigmatized anymore

chalkboard with stop the stigma written on it in red
Mental health has come a long way and we have learned to destigmatize it, but some work still needs to be done.

For centuries, “mental health,” or any terms related to psychological health as opposed to physical health, have only been used to talk only about severe forms of illness, or have been highly charged and stigmatized. But these days, we can talk about “mental health” as one part of our overall health, and the term is more inclusive, including anything from as simple as taking care of yourself holistically to getting treatment for anxiety or depression.

Experts agree that bringing mental health out in the open has had a positive effect: according to Dr. Mark van Ommeren, a mental health expert who works with the World Health Organization, “Years of study after study showing that [mental health] conditions are common have created a snowball effect. Media has played a positive role here, as have influential people who are starting to speak more about their mental health, which helps to reduce the stigma.”

One way we still need to improve in this regard? According to Kryss Shane, a social worker and educator, “We continue to see mental healthcare as a response to problems, rather than something recommended for everyone as a way to improve life in general. If we are able to alter this understanding, it will not only further remove stigma, it will encourage people to seek out help before they are in crisis.”

The law has made mental health equal to physical health

The first decade of the twentieth century saw some extremely important changes to the way we treat mental health on a governmental level, which has greatly improved access for a lot of people. The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008 and the Affordable Care Act (ACA) of 2010 both put mental health on par with physical health when it comes to what’s covered. In fact, the ACA made mental health an “essential” healthcare benefit, meaning it has to be covered by all ACA-approved plans.

With that being said, though, people who need this type of care are still not always getting access to it, and supply often outstrips demand for mental health treatment, so we do still have a ways to go in this regard.

Technology is helping 

Here’s a true twenty-first-century improvement to access to mental health care: nowadays, we have ways to speak to a professional, or take time to focus on ourselves, that we never had before thanks to technology. For example, you can hop online and speak to a mental health professional through the use of telemedicine, download an app to chat with someone in that field, or even access apps that help you to meditate and recenter yourself. 

Again according to Dr. van Ommeren, “If you think of the conventional way of how people receive mental health support it would be once a week driving to the therapist and then going home. That takes time, but with telemedicine and meditation apps, people can do it from home in little bits. This is a reason for optimism. In this way, mental health support is being made more available.” 

Dr. Don Mordecai, MD, Kaiser Permanente’s national leader for mental health, adds: “Technology will continue to evolve as a way to deliver mental health care, ranging from stand-alone skills-based apps, to coaching, to interaction with licensed professionals.”

What You Can Do for Your Mental Health

So there is reason to be positive, when we see that we are at least taking steps toward improving things, but experts tell us we still have a long way to go, and the statistics bear that out. What else do we need to be doing? According to most experts, we need to be focusing on prevention, and taking care of ourselves and those we love. According to Dr. John Krystal, MD, chair of the Psychiatry Department at Yale Medicine, “As much as possible, as we expand the health literacy of Americans, we need to make sure that we also increase their understanding of mental illness and addiction. We can do a better job of early detection and early intervention when we do a better job of looking out for ourselves, our families, our friends and our co-workers. Stigma is what develops when we view a problem like depression or addiction as something that happens to others; stigma goes away when we appreciate that mental illness and addiction could happen to us and those that we care for.” 

That means that the one thing you can do right now to get us all moving in the right direction is to take care of your own mental health! Where to start? Try:an open journal with a heart in it written on one side be you and the other side "love yourself"

  • Valuing yourself, by treating yourself with kindness and respect, and avoiding self-criticism, as well as making time for your hobbies and favorite things to do.
  • Taking care of your body, and your physical health, by eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
  • Surrounding yourself with a strong, healthy support network.
  • Volunteering your time and energy to helping others.
  • Learning how to deal with stress, and practicing good coping skills, perhaps by trying things like Tai Chi, exercise, hiking, playing with your pet, journal writing, or other relaxation techniques. Remember to also add laughter into your life, which can boost your immune system, ease pain, relax your body, and reduce stress.
  • Quieting your mind with meditation
  • Breaking up the monotony of life, even if it’s by making small changes.
  • Limiting your alcohol intake and recreational drug use.
  • Getting help when you need it.

When it comes down to it, physical health just seems so much more straightforward than mental health, and so much easier to get a handle on and make strides in, right? But we absolutely cannot ignore the mental health crisis we’re all facing as a society; remember, we’re all in this together, and while we have made great improvements, there is so much more we need to do – so start with you!

Resisting the Urge to Splurge: How to Stop Impulse Buying

We’ve all been there. You go to Target to pick up a few necessities and you come home with enough new throw pillows to cover your entire couch. Or you head to a discount department store, telling yourself you’re only going to pick up those socks you need, and you end up with the most beautiful pair of shoes, which were half off and just calling out to you. Or maybe you are the type to grab the latest gadget as soon as you see it at the store… 

Yep, we all know what it’s like to impulse buy and, while it might feel fun when you’re in the moment, it’s generally not so fun when you get your credit card bill at the end of the month and it’s double what you budgeted for. In fact, one survey found that 44% of people reported feeling regretful after an impulse buy, so why do we keep making these purchases, how much damage do they actually do, and how can you keep your impulse buying to a minimum?

It All Adds Up

laptop screen with bank account on it and hands holding a calculator over the keyboard
Impulse buying can add up quickly, leaving you to struggle to pay your bills, and unable to save money.

If you have been filling your cart with things that are, well, less than essential, you are certainly not alone: 90% of Americans admit to impulse buying (and those are the ones that admit it!), and a Slickdeals survey found that the average American spent an average of $182.98 per month on impulse purchases this past year, up 18% from pre-pandemic spending levels of roughly $155.03 per month. If those numbers sound high, consider this: that $182.98 is down from $450 per month in 2018! 

Or maybe you’re thinking, “Ok, $183, or $6 a day – that’s not so bad, right?” Well, look at it this way: that adds up to almost an extra $2,300 dollars a year! Those impulse buys can really add up, and end up damaging your financial health: if you can only pay the minimum balance on your credit card each month, you’ll get hit with interest payments, and you could fall into debt. And if you fall behind on payments, there’ll be more fees piled onto your bills, as well as serious damage to your credit score.

To put an even finer point on it, if you were to invest $183 a month for 10 years at an 11% rate of return, you’d have over $39,000; even if you invested just $150 per month for 10 years at an 8% rate of return, you’d have almost $27,500! But, unfortunately, that’s not always the way we think about the money burning a hole in our pockets, or more accurately, those credit cards just itching to be used, and we end up grabbing things we don’t need off the shelf for a variety of other reasons.

Why Do We Do It?

The answer to the question above might seem to be simply: because we can! But there’s probably more going on when it comes to our impulsive buying habits – lots of things come into play, like:

  • We’re feeling feelings – If you’re down, stressed, anxious, feeling unhappy with yourself, or even bored, you’re definitely more vulnerable to impulse buys, because shopping actually lights up our brains’ reward centers. Says Alexandra Emery, licensed psychologist at Grit City Psychology in Seattle, “Impulse buying gives us a little spike of dopamine, which is rewarding and motivating.” “Retail therapy” is a real thing, apparently, although it isn’t really very therapeutic in the long run – beware of the vicious cycle of shopping when stressed and then getting more stressed when you realize you’ve gone over budget!
  • We tell ourselves we’re getting a great dealAccording to the Slickdeals survey, more than half of the respondents said they make impulse purchases because of a sale. And sure, how can you resist buying something when it’s 75% off? Well, it’s not such a great deal if you’re spending money on something you didn’t intend to spend money on, and don’t actually need. Sales (and free shipping promotions) are marketing tactics, and are meant to make it easier for you to part with your money.
  • You’ve learned to do it – In a 2019 survey conducted by TD Ameritrade, most of the respondents said that they way their parents handled money is the biggest influence on how they shop, so if you feel like you haven’t had a healthy and robust financial education, it might time to bone up on your budgeting.

How to Keep Impulse Buying at Bay

The urge to buy can be pretty powerful, but there are some strategies you can use to limit your impulse purchasing. Try the following: clipboard with a shopping list header and checkmarks on 3 boxes

  • Make a list and check it twice – Ok, this one’s an oldie but still a goodie: make your shopping list and stick to it! 
  • Calculate the real cost of a purchase – The price of an item that you’re impulsively buying isn’t just a number on a tag or a screen, it represents your precious time. For example, if you earn $25/hour after taxes, and you buy a $250 suit, pair of shoes, or new gadget, that item actually cost you 10 hours of work.  
  • Do leave home without it – Remember that old commercial for American Express credit cards: “Don’t leave home without it”? There’s a reason they wanted you to keep your flexible friend with you at all times: you’re actually more likely to spend money on credit than you are when you’re using cash. In fact, credit card users spend 83% more on a given purchase than cash users do! So consider leaving the cards at home, or if online spending is your problem, don’t save your card info on shopping sites (it’s too easy!), or even consider freezing your cards if you really need to cool it.
  • Be careful on social media – These days, companies trying to get us to buy their stuff can bombard us at all hours of the day, popping up on our social media news feeds and in banner ads everywhere we look. And if you’re thinking, “Who buys things off those Facebook ads?” the answer is apparently 55% of consumers! It’s easy to be influenced by all the ads for sales and product placements on social media, so be careful how you spend your time there. 
  • Avoid shopping with others – Sure, it’s definitely way more fun to shop with someone else, but if you’re out and about with your partner or friends, you’re all more likely to encourage each other to make impulse purchases. No one’s saying you can never go on a shopping trip with someone else, but plan it as part of your budget when you’re more financially sound. wooden framed hourglass with tan sand inside
  • Have a waiting period – Do you really need that? If there’s a question in your mind, then take that moment of hesitation to put it down, and go home (or close the browser tab or app) and sleep on it. Try to extend the waiting period for as long as possible, so you’re more likely to lose interest in the item – some people even advocate for having a running 30-day waiting list for things you want, but a good rule of thumb is to give yourself at least 24 hours. You can even use this time to do some comparison shopping if it’s something you really think you’re going to end up purchasing. 
  • Don’t drink and shop! – You’re probably not drunk at the mall stumbling around buying stuff (ok, we don’t know what you do on the weekends) – that would be a terrible idea. Well, it’s also a terrible idea to hop onto Amazon late at night after you’ve had a few – you never know what will turn up at your door in two days (and again, be careful with the lure of free shipping – it can really get you!). The same also goes for shopping when you’re sad, lonely, hungry, or tired; strong feelings and shopping just don’t mix.
  • Limit online shopping – And while we’re on the subject, it might actually be a good idea to limit as much online shopping as possible, as it’s just too tempting and too easy. If you’re a notorious online impulse buyer, try doing some of your shopping in-person, so you can actually hold the item, make sure it’s what you want, and so that you have to physically hand over your money. Also, delete those apps! Make it harder on yourself by having to – gasp! – go to the store’s website. unsubscribe button on a laptop screen
  • Unsubscribe! – Does your email inbox look like a who’s who of online shopping sites? Those newsletters coming to you are a great way to find out about sales…on more stuff you don’t need! That’s the point of them, so click unsubscribe, take a deep breath, and let your FOMO go.
  • Be clear about your goalsDon’t just think about why you’re saving, write it down. Get weird and write your financial goals in Sharpie on your credit and debit cards, or make them your screensaver or the background wallpaper on your phone
  • Give yourself some wiggle room – If all of this sounds just too severe for you, and you’re already feeling stressed enough to pull out your credit card and fire up your favorite shopping app, stop! We’re not saying you can never buy anything you don’t need, we’re just saying you need to be smart about it. After all, healthy spending can be like healthy eating: if you’re too strict with yourself, it’ll end up discouraging you from sticking to healthy habits. So try creating a separate fund that can offset your occasional impulse buys, or create your budget in a way that allows for some splurging. 

When it comes to your shopping habits, remember to think about how you’re feeling – if your gut is telling you you shouldn’t be spending, listen to it! But, on the other hand, remember to show yourself compassion, too, and not to go down a shame spiral because of your spending habits. As Joyce Marter, licensed psychotherapist and author of The Financial Mindset Fix, points out: “We are not our bank account; we are not our debt. That’s how we are, not who we are.” The point of all of this is not to take any fun out of your life; it’s to try to create healthier spending habits, so you can have money for the really important things, while still being able to enjoy yourself when the opportunity presents itself.

Are So-Called “Superfoods” Just Superhype?

What’s that in your smoothie? Kale, avocado, blueberries? Sounds like a who’s who of superfoods! But let’s take a minute and think about that word: “superfood.” Seems like it’s been thrown around so much for so long now that maybe we don’t really know what it means anymore – if it ever meant anything in the first place. Sure, we can fill our plates with pricey, hyped-up foods like quinoa or acai, or make one type of leafy green, fish, and fruit the focus of our diet, but is that really going to give our health the supercharged boost that we hope it will? 

Before you clear out your cupboards and fridge of anything that hasn’t been dubbed a superfood, take a look at what that word actually means, which foods are worth the hype (and which aren’t), and how you should really be planning your plate.

The Origins of the Superfood Fad

You might think that the idea of the superfood was invented when we all somehow “discovered” kale not so long ago – do you remember when Bon Appetit dubbed 2012 the “year of kale?” Ok, we don’t really either, but still, the point is it’s been popular for a while now, but that’s not where the term superfood comes from: it actually dates all the way back to the early 20th century! And guess what? It was part of a marketing strategy.

bananas stacked on top of each other
The word “superfood” started as a marketing strategy by a company importing bananas.

The United Fruit Company had started majorly importing bananas into the U.S. and decided to market their haul by dubbing the fruit a “superfood” that was cheap, easily digestible, delicious raw or cooked, very nutritious, and portable. The term caught on after being endorsed in medical journals (who agreed that bananas were banana-rific, and could even cure celiac disease); the fruit company used the endorsements in their advertising, and the cycle of creating a craze around a so-called superfood was born.

This craze-creating cycle has continued into the 21st century, with scientific research on a particular food creating buzzy headlines that can then be used in marketing campaigns from food industries. Marketing of these foods has been steadily increasing: according to Mintel research, in 2015 there was a 36% increase globally in the number of foods and beverages launched that were labeled as a “superfood,” “superfruit,” or “supergrain,” with the U.S. being the main target market. And the marketing seems to be working: the global superfoods market size was estimated at $137 billion in 2018, and according to a Nielson survey of 30,000 global shoppers, consumers are willing to pay more for foods perceived as healthy.

As researchers wrote in Nutrition and Cancer, “Stories of ‘miracle foods’ sell magazines and advertising space; food industries often sponsor research to show that their foods or products are superior, and supplement industries look to boost sales.” So what are these supposed “miracle foods,” and is there any truth behind the hype?

What Are Superfoods?

While the term superfood doesn’t have a scientific definition, it’s become so popular that it does have an entry in Webster’s Dictionary. According to them, it’s “a food (such as salmon, broccoli, or blueberries) that is rich in compounds (such as antioxidants, fiber, or fatty acids) considered beneficial to a person’s health.” As for what’s on the list of superfoods, it’s constantly growing, but includes the following, among others:

blueberries on a stalk
Blueberries are listed as one of the superfoods that are good for you.
  • blueberries
  • kale
  • goji berries
  • chia seeds
  • maca
  • spirulina
  • citrus fruits
  • acai berries
  • cocoa
  • ginger
  • garlic
  • flaxseeds
  • chia seeds
  • chili peppers
  • pomegranate
  • wheatgrass
  • turmeric
  • green tea
  • salmon
  • avocado
  • cruciferous vegetables
  • beets

Are They Real?

When thinking about these foods, it’s worth remembering our point above that elevating them to the level of superfood is more about marketing than about science: they might have a unique and mystical backstory about how they’re found in the depths of the Amazonian rainforest or that they were a food of the Ancients, or they might be highlighted for their antioxidant properties, or supposedly unique nutrients. 

But that doesn’t mean that they’re not great for you, and shouldn’t be a part of your diet, because they are typically a concentrated source of vitamins, minerals, and beneficial plant compounds, such as polyphenols and carotenoid, known to positively impact health in a number of ways, including reducing inflammation and protecting against cellular damage.

That being said, dubbing foods “superfoods” can be problematic, and misleading: many scientific studies done on these types of foods are inconclusive, incomplete, or just, well, a bit overhyped. “If you look at the actual studies that have been done on ‘superfoods,’ sometimes [the conclusions drawn from them are] excessive to the point that [they’re] not realistic,” says Colorado-based registered dietitian Jessica Crandall Snyder. 

On the other hand, though, the proof behind the super-ness of some foods is more conclusive than for others:

  • Berries – Some studies show that berry consumption might have links with improved vascular function and reduced heart disease risk factors, but further research is still needed.kale bundled up
  • Cruciferous veggies – Diets high in cruciferous vegetables, such as kale, broccoli, and cauliflower, also have links to a lower risk of heart disease and certain cancers.
  • Leafy greens – Greens like watercress, purslane, collard greens, and Swiss chard have an abundance of antioxidant and anti-inflammatory compounds such as polyphenols and carotenoids that may help protect against cellular damage, and offer protective effects against health conditions, including cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. They are also high in many vitamins and minerals.
  • Omega-3 rich fish – Salmon, mackerel, herring, and sardines all have this important fatty acid and other important nutrients.
  • Garlic – It might have a reputation as a date night ruiner, but garlic has been shown to provide anti-cancer, anti-diabetic, and anti-hypertensive effects.various citrus fruits
  • Citrus fruits – These refreshing favorites are filled with anti-inflammatory and antioxidant metabolites, including flavonoids, alkaloids, carotenoids, coumarins, phenolic acids, and essential oils.

It Doesn’t Have to Be Superfood or Bust

While there’s no doubt that the foods above are super healthy and should be included in a balanced diet, there is doubt over using the term “superfood,” with health experts these days skeptical – to say the least – about using the term. Some argue that it encourages people to eat their leafy greens, but others argue that it can actually cause more harm than good. 

Notice, for example, that bananas, the OG of superfoods, don’t make the cut these days, and because they aren’t hailed as “super,” many people dismiss good-for-you fruits like bananas just because they don’t have as many antioxidants; meanwhile, bananas are a good source of potassium and the average American only gets about half of their recommended potassium.

We shouldn’t be excluding other foods that aren’t so “super,” any more than we should think that eating a few superfoods will cancel out other, not-so-super lifestyle choices. What’s more important than focusing on adding superfoods to your diet is that you eat a wide variety of nutritious foods (as well as get regular physical activity and avoid a sedentary lifestyle). According to Kim Robien, director of the Public Health Nutrition program at George Washington University’s Milken Institute School of Public Health, “We know that long-term dietary patterns, rather than any single food choice or eating occasion, is what matters for overall health.”

What’s more, it’s not a good idea to limit what you eat: “Foods are complex mixtures of thousands of chemical compounds, most of which we still have yet to identify,” she says. “It is likely that these compounds play important roles in our overall health, and probably work together to achieve those health outcomes. Thus, it’s always better to eat a wide variety of different fruits and vegetables. Diets that focus too heavily on any one food item are more likely to be deficient in key nutrients.”

And you don’t have to spend a lot on overpriced, hyped-up foods, or force yourself to eat anything that’s not your cup of (matcha) tea. There are many so-called superfoods that have just as healthy, if not healthier, alternatives. For example (and this is by no means an exhaustive list):a bowl of quinoa

  • Quinoa – This ancient grain (or more accurately, seed) does contain more iron and protein than many other grains, and it is considered a complete protein, but don’t forget your oats – they actually have a similar amount of protein and more fiber than quinoa!
  • Chia seeds – These tiny black seeds are great for making thick healthy puddings, but if they’re not your thing, you can rest assured that, while chia seeds are great for Alpha-lipoic acid (ALA), oily fish are better for Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which is more important. Or, if you want to swap them out for a different seed, flaxseeds and kiwi seeds are great for you.
  • Acai and goji berries – These berries seem super healthy – and they have a super price tag to match – but studies on them are inconclusive, and other, more readily available berries, have more solid science behind them.
  • Kale – It’s tough for us to say anything against kale (and you know what, there really isn’t anything to say against it!) but, for all the hype surrounding this green, it doesn’t actually top the list of the healthiest greens. Shocking, we know! That honor actually goes to watercress, with Chinese cabbage, Romaine and leaf lettuce, and spinach all taking out higher rankings than kale. 

Bottom line: no one food (or even handful of foods) is going to be a cure-all. There aren’t magical foods (unfortunately) that will make you shed extra pounds, ward off all cancers, or keep you fighting fit until you’re old as the hills. But, with that being said, eating a variety of nutrient-dense foods (that you enjoy, and that won’t put an unnecessary burden on your budget), is a big part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and preventing disease, so you can get the most out of life. Now go and enjoy that smoothie!

Speak with an agent today!
Get Quotes